I've told this story to many people, and they all say, "That's not much of a reason to cut yourself. You're so stupid, why would you do that?" It may not seem like a big deal, but to me it's horrible.

Towards the end of 7th grade, my friend Brian seemed really depressed and looked like he was always about to cry. He was really in love with me, but I didn't like him, and I never will. In a result of that, he cut himself, and wouldn't stop. I would see his arm totally mutilated from cuts and burns, but I would just push aside the fact he was hurting himself and told myself he fell skateboarding. He told me one day that he was cutting himself. I was so heartbroken and crushed and wondered if he did it because of me. He told me I was half of the reason why he was hurting himself. I just felt so bad and nothing else mattered. I really cared about him.

A few months after that, my grandfather was so ill he was in the hospital every month for at least 3 weeks. I knew he wasn't getting better, even though my parents said he would. My heart felt so empty and I didn't know what to do. Another month passed, and he died. That was one of the hardest things I'd have to go through. He was a big part of my life and one of the people I loved most, and he was gone.

A month later, my other grandfather was getting sicker from Alzheimer’s. I knew he would die from it, but I thought he would live longer. Once again, my parents would spend 8+ hours at the hospital without telling me a thing. I felt crushed since I couldn't even know what was going on with my grandfather. I knew he'd die, and it was 3 days before my 14th birthday. The next day, he died, two days before my birthday. Once again, I had lost one of the people I loved most. I can't even remember when he was last happy or when he last said my name. My dad wasn't at my 14th birthday because he was off helping for the wake, which was going to be the next day. No one even said happy birthday to me or anything, and I had just sunk deeper into the hole I was already in. No one had comforted me, and it seemed like no one cares, like I was a piece of glass.
About 2 weeks had passed, and my mom and I were really starting to fight. We would fight over every little thing. I hated her and it felt like she hated me. I had told my parents I was atheist, and now, it feels like they hate me. One day, my mom had slapped me in the face because I told her I wouldn't do anything she told me. My dad didn't even do anything. So great, now my parents hate me and they don't care about me.

My friends at school had some idea of what was going on but they didn't even care to ask if I was ok. No one invited me to go to places and no one even called just to talk. I was just someone to talk to; someone to be used if someone else was bored. I was hurt and no one cared. Every night, I would crawl in bed and cry until I'd fall asleep.

I have recently found out that my closest friends Kara had cut her wrist, and it really hurt me. I had to go thought the pain of my friend Brian hurting himself because of me. She has been going through the same thing I am. I also found out my friend Katy had been doing drugs and was suicidal, but would deny the fact she was doing drugs and was suicidal. Now she's cut herself because I cut myself.

A week ago, I felt as if I couldn't handle the pain any longer, so I cut my two arms and my ankles. The blood seemed to calm my feelings down, but after cutting, I felt worse. How was I going to hide these cuts? I just cried myself to sleep again. My parents found about 5 days ago and they were horrified. My mom was crying, and my dad was about to. I've caused too much pain for everyone. I feel even worse now. The hole I dug is too deep for me to crawl out of now.

I told my friend Tara because I felt that she was the only one I could trust. The only one. She just stared at me and started to ask all of these questions and telling me, "Why the hell would you do that? Are you stupid or something? Don't do that again! “Stupid…Stupid!" I particularly don't enjoy being called stupid by one of my closest friends. It really hurt, but I was feeling a lot better since I told her. Today, I'm still hurting, but I think I'm on my way to recovery.

Please don’t cut yourself for attention or because you think it will get rid of your pain. It only makes you feel worse and makes you feel like you are nothing and you don’t matter. Talk to someone, or get some help fast. I told you it wasn't much and it may seem stupid. But that's my story and to me it hurts.