For a long time, I thought I would never cut, no matter how bad I was feeling. And for a long time, I stayed true to that. I may have tried to kill myself several times last year, but until two months ago I hadn't cut.
I don't know why I do it, because I have no reason to. My life is fine, and I don't have any overwhelming feelings of guilt or sadness or anger that I can't control in other ways. I know I like it though, but why I started cutting after I'd recovered from depression is still a mystery.
People have always told me that cutting is bad. They still do. And I know it myself, that I shouldn't be doing this. I just can't stop it. I've tried all those tricks - rubber bands, distracting yourself, but all I've managed to gain is an addiction to Chupa-Chups. It's still the same urge that's there - the desire to create my own brand of pain, in a way that I find it enjoyable.
I can't handle people touching me any place that I have cut, or want to cut, because I feel threatened. I'm trying to hide this from my girlfriend, which is difficult, because I don't want her to see me this way. I'm trying to stop, and every day I keep going without cutting, I feel stronger because I won this round, but weaker because the desire keeps building and cutting is the only way to release it.
I want to tell you all this, that you shouldn't start cutting, because it's so hard to stop. I regret starting. Don't go this way. Don't cut. There's other ways of dealing with things that are healthy and non-destructive. Cutting is bad for you, and you will regret it if you do it. Don't follow in my footsteps. Don't do what I did.