I was only thirteen years old, but already I was acting out. I would take prescription meds abusively, drink all the time, and I was cutting a lot. All of this started because I felt empty. I wanted some way out.
One night, the last day of school (June 5,2007) a few friends and I were at this girl Matilda's house, just having fun being with each other and having a bonfire. Soon enough her dad was drunk. He started to let us drink. There were only two guys and about six girls. I was probably the second most drunk person, the first was Matilda's step sister (who later ended up sleeping with Matilda's dad, she was 18).
There was a guy there that kept catching my eye, and the more I drank the more appealing he seemed. Eventually I was sitting on his lap wasted and he kept making me drink new drinks and just throwing random alcohol down my throat. I let him kiss me a few times and didn't mind but I told him over and over "no sex. I am not sleeping with you tonight. I am saving myself for the most special guy".
It got to the point where I was blacking in and out so I don't remember much. I remember laying on the kitchen floor telling him to leave me alone. I remember him carrying me up the stairs. I remember all me "friends" laughing and chanting about him getting laid. I remember him making me sit on top of him. I remember say "no sex no sex" over and over again. At some point in the night I remember trying to get away and laying in Matilda's bed trying to hid. And finally I remember two people coming in and being like "oops we better leave this is almost like porn" .
After that its almost all blurry. The next morning I woke up in my friends 5 year old little brothers bed, my shorts down around my knees, laying halfway off the bed, feeling crampy and wondering why. Life went on normal for about a week.
He started getting braggy. Without that I would have never known what happened, I was too naive. He started telling people that I wanted to have sex with him. That the sex was awesome and lasted all night. I denied it, thinking he was just trying to fit in. It was about a year before I told my friend Billy what happened and he just started crying and said "baby...you were raped". Suddenly it hit me. I knew something was off. At this point I was cutting 2, 3 times a day.
I blame myself a lot. Blame myself that I was too dumb to go get a rape kit. That I still haven't told my parents four years later. I blame myself for not speaking out about it. I hate all the people that don't believe me, and I hate him. I have to see him every day now and every time I see him I just want to throw up.
I told my boyfriend this before we even started dating, I just wanted him to know what an emotional wreck I was to give him the option to leave before I got too attached. He believed me at first. He was supportive and understanding. Now, a year later, he has become friends with my rapist. He believes him over me, simply because I was drunk. It is causing us a lot of strain because he thinks I need to just pretend like it never happened. But I tried that once already, denied it to myself and other, but it haunted me and I needed to speak out again.
A lot of other aspects of my life have been ruined because of him and what he did to me. I can not for the life of me trust any man. I am very territorial now. I had sex with a guy I didn't care about and got pregnant. I didn't even notice. I miscarried at two months. Ever since I have wanted a baby, and I am going to have one within the next year. Also I have still been cutting but I am working through it and getting better. I started failing at school and needed a kick in the butt from my teacher (who is now my idol) to get me in shape. I have very low self esteem now. I used to act in a lot of theater productions and since that happened I just can't bring myself to go on stage. I feel like everyone can see through me. See what happened, just because of the spot light. However to this day I will not drink ANY amount of alcohol unless I am in a completely safe situation and I am in total control. I have never touched drugs since.
I have had a very hard time struggling with this but this is the first time I have written or talked about the entire story, completely at length and it feels good to get all my thoughts organized and in typing. I hope my story at least makes one other person feel not-so-alone because that is how I have felt for a really long time.