If I had the choice to do my life over, fix all my past mistakes, live a life with no regrets, I don't think I would.
This crazy fucked up life that I've been given has been given to me for a reason. I'm strong enough to live it. As I read this story over and over again, I find it hard to believe that I wouldn't want my life any other way, But the truth is, everything thats happened to me, everybody that I've lost, has all happened for a reason. I doubt that if everything in life came easy to me like some of my friends, I would be the emotionally and physically strong girl that I am today. I haven't always been strong, and I have my days where I just break down, but this is my life, and the only person who can make it a success from here on in, is me.
If a mirror was put in front of me I could find countless things and go on for hours about the stuff that is wrong with my face and body. My stomach is too fat, my legs are too chunky, my skin is too pale, my nose is too big, my hair is too frizzy, why don't I see what other people see? I've been told over and over again that I have a smile that lights up the room, I have eyes that mesmerize and a killer body, but none of that matters because that's not what I see when I look at myself. It's all just a big fat blob of disgusting skin.
Now, I haven't always been this way. I remember the day where everything changed. I went from a carefree twelve year old to a terrified, disgusted twelve year old. That man, by doing what he did, stripped me of all my sense of self worth, my dignity, my innocence, and most of all my beauty. Ever since he put his fucking greasy hands where they didn't belong and made me do things a twelve year old shouldn't even know existed, made me a worthless piece of skin. I was so confused and scared, He took something that day that wasn't his, something that I wanted to keep until I was old enough to make my own decisions.
I fought as hard as a twelve year old kid could once I realized what was going on, but that only made it more fun for him. Once was enough to completely ruin my self confidence, but four years later I found myself in a place I thought I could call home. A place where I had an older woman and man in my life, who I thought were there so I could confide in. It's kinda hard to confide in an older man who's on top of you and you can't get him off. It's kinda hard when you wake up to someone laying beside you touching you in places he shouldn't be. I hate myself, why did this happen to me, why can't I just be clean and not feel so fucking dirty all the time. Most days, I can still feel their filth on me, it's like it's embedded in my skin, and it's going to stay there no matter how hard I scrub away at it. I just want to be beautiful, but that's never going to happen.