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  LiveWire / My Forums / Viewing Story

year anniversary, rape. *graphic*
The following story was submitted anonymously on Aug. 12, 2008.
The names have been changed to protect the author's privacy.

It's steadily approaching the 14th of August 08, and i am still no further forward. I still have flashbacks, I still wake in the night in a cold sweat. I still freak out whenever I see him or hear his name. Some days I resent the fact that I've woken up at all, just wanting to sleep forever... Or, at least until this doesn't hurt so much.

This isn't some 'I walked home from a club alone and a stranger attacked me in the dark of an alley with a knife' story. This is a 'he was my boyfriend of 18 months, I thought I loved him. I even let him hold my son, he cheated several times and so I left him, he couldn't deal with the fact that we were over, and that months later I had moved on' story.

I've basically summed it up there really, without going into too much detail, here it is. Does/did your school do that thing in the last year where you vote for who's most likely to be... a model, an actress, on the England team, a benefit bum, in jail, who's the best, poser, liar, writer, artist, footballer, dancer... etc etc? Mine did. We won 'best couple', and 'most likely to live happy ever after'. Yeah right.

He cheated though out the relationship. I knew all about it, it was no secret. The truth is, I didn't care, didn't think I was worthy of having him all to myself. I just didn't want him to leave me. But then that changed. He slept with his ex, and had her boyfriend, one of my best friends at the time, come round to my house, threatening to kill him because he knew what had happened. This is where I drew the line. I was in the house with my son. I had to look after him first and foremost.

And so I left him. No warnings, no talking, no ultimatum. I just left him. I told him that I loved him, but I was worth so much more than this, and that we were over. He was upset. A very emotional guy, when it gets him attention, that is. He lay down in the middle of a road and cried, saying if he couldn't have me he wanted to die. Still I did not take him back. This was too much for me to deal with.

There was this guy I was talking to, we had known each other for a few years, I'd always had feelings for him... just never thought to act on them, as he is a fair bit older than me (I'm 17, he's 25). But, following a strange sequence of events, the two of us ended up together.

My ex found out about this. And, I guess he wasn't all too happy with the fact that I had moved on. Anyway, a few texts from him here and there 'I hope he is everything I couldn't be for you' 'wish you all the best' 'I love you, and I just want you to be happy, even if that is not with me' - that kinda thing.

And then 'Can we please still be friends? I can't stand the thought of losing you completely. I know we are over, and I can accept that, but I just want you to be in my life, in some capacity' - I replied yes. We arranged to meet up, a couple of us friends, like the good old days. But we didn't set a day, time or anything, just said that we would do it some time soon.

I was ill in bed on the morning of 14th August last year. My mom was at work, my son was asleep, and my nana was downstairs, probably watching Jeremy Kyle. I was just drifting off, when the bedroom door opened. It was him. I found out later that he had told my nana I had asked him to come round, and so she just sent him upstairs, like it used to be.

This time was different. Basically, he raped me then. I tried to leave the room. Didn't dare scream, because the only thing running through my mind was 'fuck, this hurts, I want this to stop, but {my son} needs his sleep. If I shout I will wake him up.' and so I made no sound. I told him to get off me, to stop, over and over and over. But I didn't once raise my voice.

He pushed his fingers into my throat. Not violently, just seeing me gasping for air, fighting death, helped him to get closer to cumming. Yeah, that's what a catch this guy was.

He threw me to the ground and forced himself into my mouth, I could do nothing but kneel there, rooted to the spot. He came. He picked me up, as a groom would lift a bride, and dropped me in a heap on my bed, kissed me on the forehead, and left.

And it is approaching a year anniversary the day after tomorrow. I'm not sure HOW I'll cope. But at the same time, I know that I will. I know that I have to. I survived that day, and I have stayed on this planet long enough to reach this point. I will not let the anniversary of this defeat me now. Not a chance.

I believed he ruined my life. Yes, he shattered my confidence. Yes, I still love him. It even happened again March this year, where my mom invited him to a family event - and we are not the kind of family you can say 'look, I dont want him here' without there being all hell breaking loose, and you being at the receiving end.

So, of course, I dealt with it as best I could - there was no way I could leave this event, there was no way I could get him to leave, and so I drank. I locked my self in the toilets and I slashed my wrists, my entire body, and then I went out and drank some more. And he walked me home. by this point I didnt care.

He was in my room again. I slept with him. I didnt give consent. But I didnt object either. But, this is in the past. I was in a bad place. A real bad place. I can accept that and move on. I have to. My only other choice is to crumble under this. But I cannot do that. I have to live. I'm moving on. But it still fucking hurts.



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