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Printable Version of Topic "poemmm"

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-- Posted by Leannbby at 6:29 pm on July 5, 2009
i know it sucks, but i write them really fast and at the spark of a moment haha.

i walk into this house completely empty.
i toss and turn while heartbreak tempts me.

I miss seeing your smiling greet.
i have loved you since we first did meet.

you have been there through all my life.
you didnt leave this world without a fight.

i know more than anything you wanted to stay
but god wanted you , so here im left to pray.

ill miss you so much, god only knows.
and its your wings i think of, everytime it snows.

-- Posted by Areola at 6:31 pm on July 5, 2009
Spur of the moment.
It's not bad, but could be better.

-- Posted by eklipse at 6:32 pm on July 5, 2009
It was beautifully written. You should really have more courage in your writing and a higher self-esteem. It was a beautiful piece of poetry, in my opinion. The only thing I saw wrong was the i and I differentiating. Try to keep it a uppercase I. I didn't really like that there weren't any stanzas, but overall the actual meaning behind it is amazing.

-- Posted by Leannbby at 6:32 pm on July 5, 2009
i like saying spark :D

-- Posted by well well well at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009
that has a beautiful meanings =)
i don't mind that it's all one stanza and i like the way you broke it up at good points =)
just.
the rhyming sounded a bit forced at times.
maybe a non-rhyming version?

-- Posted by Just Waiting Here at 6:36 pm on July 5, 2009
It was very nice. But I feel like sometimes you had to just use words so that they would rhyme. Kind of like the last one... why only when it snows? Is it not in your mind otherwise? It sounds like you chose it just because it rhymed, you know?
As well well well said, a non-rhyming version might work nicely as well (Though personally, I've always been a fan of rhymes).

-- Posted by ehmusic at 6:38 pm on July 5, 2009
The rhyming is taking that poem to hell and setting it ablaze. Get rid of it. Completely. If you don't like it without any rhyming, the start adding a little back, but do better rhymes.