-- Posted by well well well at 6:15 pm on July 5, 2009 It looks so silly. The way I see him, always holding an umbrella, even when there isn't rain. And then I laugh, and then he smiles, still holding his umbrella, still on a sunny day. But then I hear a clap of thunder, and the sky splits over, and showers me with rain. And I look at myself, and feel so silly, not holding an umbrella, even though I'm in the rain. And I look at him, who's happy, holding his umbrella, sheltered from the rain. And he holds his out to me, and gives me his umbrella, because i'm in the rain. And I laugh, he looks so silly, without an umbrella, standing in the rain. -- Posted by Areola at 6:16 pm on July 5, 2009 It's okay, not anything great. -- Posted by well well well at 6:16 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from Katx at 6:16 pm on July 5, 2009 It's okay, not anything great. didn't expect it to be =) wrote it about my best friend, on the spot. but. i love that friend. -- Posted by eklipse at 6:17 pm on July 5, 2009 I don't really like the whole structure of your poem. I do like the meaning, it's really cute. I wouldn't suggest starting stanzas with 'And'. -- Posted by aejae at 6:17 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from Katx at 6:16 pm on July 5, 2009 It's okay, not anything great. -- Posted by well well well at 6:18 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from The Academy at 6:17 pm on July 5, 2009 I don't really like the whole structure of your poem. I do like the meaning, it's really cute. I wouldn't suggest starting stanzas with 'And'. I have a REALLLL problem with that, even when i'm writing prose! hahaha. it's terrible every other sentence is "and" -- Posted by Areola at 6:19 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from well well well at 9:16 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from Katx at 6:16 pm on July 5, 2009 It's okay, not anything great.   didn't expect it to be =) wrote it about my best friend, on the spot. but.  i love that friend. Well, writing is meant to make yourself happy. So if you like it, that's what counts. And writing for others is always great. -- Posted by ehmusic at 6:19 pm on July 5, 2009 Your line breaks are working against your poem.  It's a rather cute poem, better than a lot of stuff posted on here, but it needs a little bit of work.  Then meaning wasn't hidden at all, it was obvious from the start.  Although I think that making it a bit more hard to figure out would be a good idea. -- Posted by well well well at 6:21 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from ehmusic at 6:19 pm on July 5, 2009 Your line breaks are working against your poem. It's a rather cute poem, better than a lot of stuff posted on here, but it needs a little bit of work. Then meaning wasn't hidden at all, it was obvious from the start. Although I think that making it a bit more hard to figure out would be a good idea. i appreciate the critism. but if i may ask, what is it you think the meaning is? because if i do say so myself, it probably isn't what you're thinking.  it isn't that my friend would do anything for me, or that he protects me =) thanks for the compliments, and i'm gonna be writin a second draft now! -- Posted by virginia287 at 6:25 pm on July 5, 2009 cute meaning, the line breaks take away from it bit. The wording needs to be cleaned up, some of its redundant, but like i said it was sweet :)