Quoting Post Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic Family's opinion of a bf/gf, does it matter? Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] Quote: from [m]TigressaLynnMae[/m] at 10:56 am on July 5, 2009[quote]It matters to a certain extent, but in the end, it's my life, and my choice. I've had one bad relationship, which lead to my heart being broken, and my mom hates that. She saw it coming. She warned me of it. But I went with my gut, thought it was wrong. She's not the deciding factor. I am. [/quote] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post Just Waiting Here Posted at 10:55 am on July 5, 2009 I definitely think it matters to some extent, but to other extents it doesn't. I truly love my boyfriend, and if things continue to go this way, then I would marry him (we've been together for over 2.5 years). My sisters have made it clear they don't think he's right for me.  One sister outright said, "Mom and I know that he truly cares about you and he has great intentions, but we don't think he's intelligent enough for you".  My sister also said, "think about your kids, don't you want them to have good genes?"  My dad doesn't know about him (he won't know about him until we're engaged if it reaches that point), but my sisters and I know that he won't be happy.  Mainly because of his educational background, and the fact that he hasn't really persued a bachelors (he's taking small numbers of classes now, since he works full-time and stuff). It just makes me sad to know that all of them think "He truly cares about you and has good intentions, but you could do better"...  I just don't see how the "intelligence factor" has to be something so important that I should just break up... especially when the matter of intelligence comes down to academic record only (which I think reflects nothing on a person's thoughts and analyses of issues). I'm not going to break up with my boyfriend over it... but I can't help but feel guilty and the like.  His family basically already accepts me and like me... my family... not quite the same.  And it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong... Any thoughts?

Replies Just Waiting Here Posted at 12:12 pm on July 6, 2009 Quote: from nik1 at 1:28 am on July 6, 2009 Don't know the level of his intelligence but you know if he can carry on conversations that are at a level that will satisfy you. You know if he is comfortable with all types of people and would not embarrass you in social settings. "Book" sense is not always a measure of the quality of the person. Some more than make up for it with their curiosity, determination, stamina, interest, assertiveness and lack of being lazy. Sense of responsibility, loyalty and trustworthiness will most likely make a better mate than someone that is smart but lazy. However now is the time to assess his qualities, not five years after you marry him. If you feel that his future may be questionable but your love for him prevails perhaps you need to step up and pressure him to reach high levels of achievement. Guys often need it! Good luck. Yeah, I'm definitely 'pressuring him' in some sense.  Not something like, "you're not good enough like this", because that's not how I feel.  But I really think he could benefit from going to school in many ways... to keep his brain active, to give him a sense of accomplishment (he already regrets not going from the start... and now I think he's mainly discouraged about it)... I just think it would help him be more happy with himself from the things he's told me he's frustrated with. But who knows... I definitely question things sometimes... but I don't know if those questioning thoughts are products of the doubt my family may have placed or if they are really my own concerns... nik1 Posted at 1:28 am on July 6, 2009 Don't know the level of his intelligence but you know if he can carry on conversations that are at a level that will satisfy you.  You know if he is comfortable with all types of people and would not embarrass you in social settings.  "Book" sense is not always a measure of the quality of the person.  Some more than make up for it with their curiosity, determination, stamina, interest, assertiveness and lack of being lazy.  Sense of responsibility, loyalty and trustworthiness will most likely make a better mate than someone that is smart but lazy.  However now is the time to assess his qualities, not five years after you marry him.  If you feel that his future may be questionable but your love for him prevails perhaps you need to step up and pressure him to reach high levels of achievement. Guys often need it! Good luck. Aimforthehead Posted at 10:18 pm on July 5, 2009 I'd never let my family determine who is right for me. They've all had 2 or 3 divorces already, and the kids simply learned from them. I'm doing things MY way. Stormblazer Posted at 9:44 pm on July 5, 2009 It matters to the extent that you should think about their reasons (I think you've done that), and it matters in that if you do respect their opinions at all (even if you disagree with them), it can make it a lot harder on the relationship, despite it being indirect. Social support such as that from family and friends plays a surprisingly important role in relationships even though it IS indirect. This said, I would like to point out to your sisters that intelligence and educational background are not necessarily linked, though I think I can echo their concerns. Personally I'd have a very hard time with a relationship with someone who was not at least near my intelligence in some way. Even friendships are hard for me if they aren't. kiral Posted at 11:49 am on July 5, 2009 yes. full stop. but not to the point where it could mean the end of a relationship Mimic Posted at 11:25 am on July 5, 2009 I think if it's something you feel you two can overcome as a couple, regarding intellect, then it's not really a problem It's then your family issues and more really something that they need to learn to deal with. Just Waiting Here Posted at 11:17 am on July 5, 2009 Quote: from Mimic at 11:08 am on July 5, 2009 To an extent, yes, I think it does matter. But then I also think only you can judge what is ultimately good enough for you, and going to make you happy. They might not feel that his intelligence is high enough for yourself, but what do you think? Can you relate to him enough on a level of intellect, can you hold conversations that you wish to hold with him that are of an intellectual standing? You can obviously see this going very long term if you're considering marriage if your relationship continues to head in the direction its heading in. What's mostly important, I find, is that you can connect on an emotional and personal level, maybe a spiritual level if you're one to believe in the stuff on that end. Intelligence gets you so far, yes, and it can bear a holding on how compatible you feel with someone because lets face it, an extremely intelligent person isn't really going to go with a dim person, and vice versa. There would be to much difference in the relationship for it to succeed long term. You are not doing anything wrong, you are happy, he is happy, you are happy as a couple. This is what's most important right now, and if you feel his intelligence is high enough for you, basing it on academic levels or not, then that's what is important. Your family may well not be happy with the decision if you two continue on to marriage, but, they should be happy that you are happy. If you find him enough for you, or more than enough for you, your family should respect that and support you :-) That's the thing... it's the emotional aspect that is more important to me than anything.  I can hold conversations with him, but our intellectual interests aren't exactly the same.  But I don't mind ~explaining~ concepts to him and vice versa.  I guess I don't view intellect as something that can really be 'measured', and so I view our intellect as being different styles... but something that I'm comfortable with. I think they would support me in the end... but there's no knowing how they'll ultimately react (especially my dad... he's downright scary, lol). Mimic Posted at 11:08 am on July 5, 2009 To an extent, yes, I think it does matter. But then I also think only you can judge what is ultimately good enough for you, and going to make you happy. They might not feel that his intelligence is high enough for yourself, but what do you think? Can you relate to him enough on a level of intellect, can you hold conversations that you wish to hold with him that are of an intellectual standing? You can obviously see this going very long term if you're considering marriage if your relationship continues to head in the direction its heading in. What's mostly important, I find, is that you can connect on an emotional and personal level, maybe a spiritual level if you're one to believe in the stuff on that end. Intelligence gets you so far, yes, and it can bear a holding on how compatible you feel with someone because lets face it, an extremely intelligent person isn't really going to go with a dim person, and vice versa. There would be to much difference in the relationship for it to succeed long term. You are not doing anything wrong, you are happy, he is happy, you are happy as a couple. This is what's most important right now, and if you feel his intelligence is high enough for you, basing it on academic levels or not, then that's what is important. Your family may well not be happy with the decision if you two continue on to marriage, but, they should be happy that you are happy. If you find him enough for you, or more than enough for you, your family should respect that and support you :-) The Persuader Posted at 11:08 am on July 5, 2009 You can't always be controlled by what your family thinks. Do what makes you happy. My mom didn't approve of my gf either. It never stopped me. 2kewl4u2know Posted at 11:02 am on July 5, 2009 I guess that's sort of how it is with mine.  They know that when it comes down to it he does care about me, but some of them don't exactly like him because of his attitude half the time. I'm sure if they had the choice, they would have me dating some preppy, quiet boy that likes to drink and do 'normal' 19 year-old things.  However, it's not their choice, and because of thate tolerate him because in the end they know it's MY chioce. Also, we have other people in my family JUST like my boyfriend so they really can't say anything too harsh. It's nice to have family approval, but in the end, it's your choice an they have to live with that. But yeah, I'm kind of in the same situation.  His family likes mean and accepts us together, my family it took awhile for some, but they accept him now...the others just tolerate him. Oh well.  Same thing with our friends as well.  His think I'm okay--some even consider me a friend--and mine just tolerate him for me. In the end though, while it's nice to have acceptance, it's my choice and they don't have to like everything or everyone I do, as long as everyone is polite to each other when they're together, it'll work. Corrupted Innocence Posted at 11:00 am on July 5, 2009 Oh my this must be difficult for you, however yes families thoughts are important however if your feelings for him are that strong and things progress to a more serious level then you have to put yourself first. Wow I think that is kind of shallow of your family (sorry if this is stepping out of line I'm just being honest) that they think his academic skills are important. Also what do they know about his genes unless they are geneticist. You aren't doing anything wrong, you are happy with your boyfriend, it might not be serious now but if it does it will be time to sit down with the family and explain yes you know they think you could do better but isn't your happiness the most important hahahahastupid Posted at 10:58 am on July 5, 2009 You're fine don't do anything. educational records and what ur family thinks of his should mean nothing if you love him. WickedWiccan Posted at 10:58 am on July 5, 2009 It doesn't matter in terms of how you feel about the person, but having them approve or disapprove of them can make things very easy or very hard. justaxdream Posted at 10:58 am on July 5, 2009 youre not doing anything wrong. your family is judgemental. if you love him and he makes you happy and youre happy, then why would they want to end that? Sqi 8000 Posted at 10:57 am on July 5, 2009 it does matter a bit.. but not too much. if they don't like him then sod em. you love him so you continue to date him. Most recent 15 of 17 previous replies displayed.