Quoting Post Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic poemmm Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] Quote: from [m]Leannbby[/m] at 6:29 pm on July 5, 2009[quote]i know it sucks, but i write them really fast and at the spark of a moment haha. [b]i walk into this house completely empty. i toss and turn while heartbreak tempts me. I miss seeing your smiling greet. i have loved you since we first did meet. you have been there through all my life. you didnt leave this world without a fight. i know more than anything you wanted to stay but god wanted you , so here im left to pray. ill miss you so much, god only knows. and its your wings i think of, everytime it snows.[/b] [/quote] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post Leannbby Posted at 6:29 pm on July 5, 2009 i know it sucks, but i write them really fast and at the spark of a moment haha. i walk into this house completely empty. i toss and turn while heartbreak tempts me. I miss seeing your smiling greet. i have loved you since we first did meet. you have been there through all my life. you didnt leave this world without a fight. i know more than anything you wanted to stay but god wanted you , so here im left to pray. ill miss you so much, god only knows. and its your wings i think of, everytime it snows.

Replies ehmusic Posted at 6:38 pm on July 5, 2009 The rhyming is taking that poem to hell and setting it ablaze.  Get rid of it.  Completely.  If you don't like it without any rhyming, the start adding a little back, but do better rhymes. Just Waiting Here Posted at 6:36 pm on July 5, 2009 It was very nice.  But I feel like sometimes you had to just use words so that they would rhyme.  Kind of like the last one... why only when it snows?  Is it not in your mind otherwise?  It sounds like you chose it just because it rhymed, you know? As well well well said, a non-rhyming version might work nicely as well (Though personally, I've always been a fan of rhymes). well well well Posted at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 that has a beautiful meanings =) i don't mind that it's all one stanza and i like the way you broke it up at good points =) just. the rhyming sounded a bit forced at times. maybe a non-rhyming version? Leannbby Posted at 6:32 pm on July 5, 2009 i like saying spark :D eklipse Posted at 6:32 pm on July 5, 2009 It was beautifully written. You should really have more courage in your writing and a higher self-esteem. It was a beautiful piece of poetry, in my opinion. The only thing I saw wrong was the i and I differentiating. Try to keep it a uppercase I. I didn't really like that there weren't any stanzas, but overall the actual meaning behind it is amazing. Areola Posted at 6:31 pm on July 5, 2009 Spur of the moment. It's not bad, but could be better. All 6 previous replies displayed.