When I was baby and toddler, my father verbally and emotionally abused my mother and my oldest brother. He was an alocoholic. My parents divorced when I was still young. After that, I became very introverted. I think that was the start to my social decline. I only had one friend who lived in my neighborhood, though there were many kids for me to make friends. When I was six, I decided I wanted to make another friend. I chose to become friends with a girl that lived on the corner who was a year older than me. She was nice, and she invited me to her house. Her mother was a very nasty wiccan woman who would do scary things. Her father would sit on the couch with out his shirt off, displaying his nipple rings, and watching soft core porn in the living room. We would always run into her room to play. One day she started talking about sex with me, but I didn't really know much about that since I was so young. She said that we should kiss, so I just went with it. We would make out in her closet and also do very sexual things. She told me that they where fun and it's what everyone did. We did that a lot. In my mind I knew this was wrong, but I went with it anyways. She ended up moving after about three months of me knowing her. I was sad because I had no one to do the things I was now used to with. I decided to just forget about it and move on. Shortly after that, my only other friend moved also, leaving me all alone. When I was nine, my father commited suicide, futher pushing me into depression and making me more introverted. I didn't know how to cope. I would sit on the swing set even after recess was over and cry, and the teachers would just let me. I cried a lot in school. I called my mother often during school just balling. I couldn't stand everyting anymore. I hated myself. Later on in third grade, I made friends with my current best friend, Jaimee. We just clicked. I loved her so much and she loved me. We were inseperable... until she moved at the end of fourth grade. That put more weight on my shoulders, and I started crying more and not talking again. Fifth grade went by slow and rough. I had a hard time with friends and all that stuff. In sixth grade, Jaimee moved back. I was the happiest in to world. Jaimee and I became friends with another girl, Caitlin. All three of us got along like none other, we where all inseperable now. It was the greatest thing in the world. I still battle with my depression, but my two new best friends made it easier. We stayed great friends all the way to seventh grade. In seventh grade, me and Caitlin becase better friends. I considered her my best friend, and not Jaimee. Suddenly, Jaimee was missing from school for a week, and niether of us knew why. When she came back, she told me that she was in a mental hospital because she had tried to commit suicide, like it was no big deal. She was now blatently cutting herself. I started crying a lot again. She was getting help, but I often had to wrestle scissors and sharp objects from her. It was hell. She passed me a note in luch once that had a poem she had written and things about how whe wanted to kill herself. I broke down on the spot, and rand to the counciler's office, Jaimee running after me, and Caitlin after the both of us. After that, Jaimee was always a little mad at me because she was being so closly monitered now. When Jaimee realized that I was becoming better friends with Caitlin, she called me and Caitlin and me and told us she was going to kill herself. We freaked and called 911 and the police rushed to her house. At the end of seventh grade, Jaimee moved again, and the only friend I had was Caitlin. Jaimee and me always kept in contact though, having a long distance friendship. Caitlin and I were the best of friends through eighth grade. When we got into high school, Caitlin was still my friend, but she seemed to do it more out of pitty. She would take every chance to belittle me, calling me fat and ugly and about how she was so much prettier than me. She talked about all the other friends she had and how they were much better. My self esteem was now nonexistant and I was more depressed than ever. In tenth grade, she was the biggest bitch to me all the time, but I kept on being her friend, because I was scared of being alone. I made other friends, but I didn't keep them for long, or they moved. I started talking to Jaimee more, and that helped me distance myself from Caitlin. Me and Jaimee were now the best of friends again, like it had been in third grade. Jaimee was on medication and dealing with her bi-polar wonderfully. She would always make bad choices in relationships though, and I would be there in the end to pick up all the pieces and mend them back togehter. At the end of tenth grade, I got myself a boyfriend. My first real boyfriend. I loved him with all my heart(and I still do). We became very close very fast. It was my fault, I was the one who pressured him to have sex. I regret doing that to him, but he has forgiven me. In eleventh grade, my life was pretty good. I had my best friend, my boyfriend, and I was managing pretty well. In twelth grade I started getting more depressed and almost failed high school. I had all my classes in the art room, so I could hide there for the entire school day. I wouldn't eat lunch and I wouldn't talk to any one. I realize now that that just made things worse. Later on in tenth grade, my oldest brother was having bad mental problems. My sister-in-law was very worried, so my mom went to their house and got all of his guns and I had to hide them in our house. I was crushed. I was deathly afraid he was going to kill himself.  My sister-in-law had to call 911 and have an ambulance take him away because he was become a danger to himself, her, and my niece. He stayed in a mental heath center for about three weeks. Me and my mom went to visit him. He was acting scary. It really hurt me to see him like that. He soon got better and was on some medication. He sometimes still has relapses, but nothing like that first time. Now that I've graduated, I've been more depressed than ever. I feel like I'm nothing. That I'm just a fat waist of space. Sometime I go a few days without eating because I can't handle being so discusting. I stare at myself in the mirror for a long time and think about how much I hate myself. Both of my brother and thin and good looking. Everyone is always commenting about how thin and good they look. I hate how I'm the discusting, fat, dumb sibling. No one say how pretty I am. I find every reason not to eat, but in the end I end up eating anyways and feeling so ashamed, and then I won't eat for awhile. I go on exercising binges, exercising for hours a day, then I don't do anything for weeks. I don't know how to make myself less depressed. I can't bare to tell anyone. The only one that knows is my boyfriend and he doesn't really help. I can feel myself getting fatter and fatter. When I told my boyfriend that I felt I was getting really fat. All he said was that he thought I had put on some weight since my senior picture. That crushed me. I think my self confidence is in the negatives now. It's horrid. I told my boyfriend that I was thinking about not eating every other day and eating minimally when I ate, but he didn't really say much of anything. He just told me not to get too unhealthy. I didn't know what to say... I don't really want to do these things, but I can't stand to see myself so ugly and fat. I just want to be beautiful. I want people to tell me that I've lost weight. I recently saw myself in my brother's wedding photos and I can't believe how much of a cow I've become. I hate myself. I just would like someone to help.

I feel that you should get some professional help, like a councellor and talk to them, they can help you a lot. LW can help you to a certain extent but if you want to cure your depression and get all your problems out and try and cope with them better, talk to someone professional, but live wire is always here to help you.

xX Twisted Angel Xx you can PM me, to get help and to ask more advice or if you just need someone to talk to. Good luck and stay strong.

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Marked, Betrayed, Chosen, Untamed and Hunted...