I "fell in love" because I was so desperate to prove to myself and the world that I truly am gay, not some kid going through a phase. I will never forgive myself for having that as the sole purpose of the relationship.

I turned down my University place because (a) I didn't feel ready to go off when I'm still quite muddle-minded and (b) I don't even think youth work is for me any more. Although University is more appealing to me now than a few months ago, I'm still not *quite* ready for it and even though I'm looking at courses to take I have no idea what they will be.

The LAST thing I want people to think is that I'm martyring myself, that I'm just another whinging gay.

Truth is, being gay *is* hard. You *do* question yourself when you do things which the world seems to be telling you are wrong. But you can't help how you feel. When your whole world turns on its head when you finally realise you're "not normal" (ha! whatever normal is) it does throw everything else out of sync.

No longer does it seem likely that you will ever have children of your own, or at least, not if the government has its way about it. Given the nature of the gay community, it's very rare to even stay settled down for any great lenght of time. Life-long family is something which us gays can't really have.

Practically evry day at the shop I work in I hear people making comments. Ones they know can and do hurt me. Just because I'm gay doesn't make me a pervert. Or a paedophile.

Or any less human.
If you cut me, do I not bleed?

I'm just a person, at the end of the day. Trying to figure things out for myself.

Trying to work out where my place is in life. Hoping for a day when the world is a nicer place to live in. Looking for true love.

The one thing I can't explain is how I end up gay and yet "God despises homosexuality". It seems that no matter what Church I go to, none of them are even slightly subtle in their homophobic preaching. Yes, I love God with all my heart. Yes, I would do anything for Him. But I am gay. I can't change the very nature of who I am. I could never be in love with a woman, or even force myself to.

I feel extremely lost, and very close to calling it a day. Very close to moving away from all who I know, from the religion which I love, from the job I have worked at for 3 years, and starting a new life for myself all over again.

But I can't. Because I am a lazy bastard who is so scared of the Big World that even going in to town on my own can seem daunting when there are too many people around.

So I stay here, in this house, wallowing in my own self pity, again.

Yes, it is difficult in society to be gay. Society and religion often looks down upon homosexuality and preaches its wrongness and degrades those who are gay. But you and I know better. Allow people to get to know you as a human who happens to be gay, and you alone can show perhaps a handful of people that, yes, gay people are perfectly natural and normal - just as much as a black person, a handicapped person, a person with curly hair, or someone with blue eyes. We're all human, just with human differences that, in fact, make us MORE human.

But don't fall into the traps of generalizations and stereotypes of what being gay means. There are plenty of gay men and women who do settle down, and do have families, and do stay with one person for the majority of their life. And if that's what you strive for, you absolutely can have that. Sure, stereotypically gay couples don't last long and gay guys are in it to find sex or whatever you want to say... but that isn't everyone, and honestly it's probably far more unrealistic than it really is in the real world. And that comes with age - people in their teens and twentysomethings, straight and gay, are ALL more into promiscuity than settling down. That changes in time.

Don't worry about others or their thoughts or biases. Be you, do what makes you happy, and work towards the goals that will make you, and you alone, happy. Your life is for you, not about making others happy.

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Go make your next choice be your best choice
And if you're looking for a boy with a voice, well, baby I'm single.

Are you in the mood for some dude, or are you in the mood to be subdued?