I'm really sick of this. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of constantly being afraid. I'm mostly sick of being by myself. No one really cares that I'm suffering. I've freaked out on them too many times. I'm just a joke. the community psycho that they just deal with. There's nothing I can do. I've tried for 7 years and I really just want to die already. I'm not going to get better.
death is a better outlook

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Have you ever been diagnosed with a legitimate disorder like schizophrenia or shcizotypal personality disorder?

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It really sounds like you could use a therapist. Try to go seek for help

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Quote: from bipolarmania at 2:05 am on Nov. 8, 2009

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It really sounds like you could use a therapist. Try to go seek for help

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what fucking help are they? all they do is try to give me drugs

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Given that you're prone to paranoid delusions and schizophasia, you should probably be on meds. Are you not taking any? Are they not working?

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A lot of the side effects to anti-psychotics are a real bitch man,  but I think that given your symptoms, they're the better route.

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Were the drugs working, though? Did they prevent you from feeling like this?

A lot of the side effects to anti-psychotics are a real bitch man, but I think that given your symptoms, they're the better route.

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You recognise all of this and yet you refuse to do anything to help yourself. You're not a bad person -- you don't deserve any of this. You should stop pushing away all of the potential help and be accepting of it. Understand that the doctors have no ulterior motive to make you miserable, and that although the drugs suck horribly, they make it so you're not so miserable, scared, lonely, and deranged. I may be assuming too much about you, but I think the drugs at this point are the lesser of two evils. You need to pick up the remnants of your life and put them back together, and you need to understand that although it's difficult, it's not impossible.

Post edited at 12:39 am on Nov. 8, 2009 by The Oath

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The Oath summed that up beautifully. I know how you feel. I had psychosis and schizophrenia and was put on Meds that made me a living zombie hahaha  
Not to mention I gained like 30 pounds... ugh.  
But they helped! And I am sure they can do the same for you. You sound a lot like how I was before I was on medication. Just look for help, it is there.

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i don't want to be a zombie again. i also do NOT want to start fucking twitching worse than I already am. I was taking abilify and started getting that muscle thing where they tighten up and now sometimes my hands will be shaking so bad I can;t even light a cigarette. Then I was taking Geodon and the same muscle thing started happening, I also could not catch my breath.

I would rather try to get some kind of therapy then take meds. I'm not hardly as bad as I was when I started taking meds two years ago.