Like a slow fire forced through unwilling veins
a burning in my mind, heart, and anywhere else it flows
my eyes surge with scalding tears, making me flinch
my throat clenches tight, holding onto my words and expression
as if letting them out would expose some well kept secret
then my heart ignites,
hollowing each limb, every finger, toe, cell
with the searing flame.
Soon the fuel is gone,
letting all that is left of my frustration sizzle,
die.

It is sortof rough, so give feedback! Thanks

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No rhythm, no structure, way too melodramatic.

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Quote: from J U S T at 7:02 pm on Oct. 9, 2009

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No rhythm, no structure, way too melodramatic.

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Since when do poems have to have rhythm or structure? And what do you mean by melodramatic... can you elaborate a bit so I can actually edit the poem through your advice?

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You are trying way too hard to evoke this sad, dramatic emotion instead of using the poem as a vehicle for describing your own experience.

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Real is not how you are made--It is a thing that happens to you

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Quote: from magsimay at 10:04 pm on Oct. 9, 2009

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Quote: from J U S T at 7:02 pm on Oct. 9, 2009

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No rhythm, no structure, way too melodramatic.

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 Since when do poems have to have rhythm or structure? And what do you mean by melodramatic... can you elaborate a bit so I can actually edit the poem through your advice?

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You are trying way too hard to evoke this sad, dramatic emotion instead of using the poem as a vehicle for describing your own experience.

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But the experience isn't what is important. The reason I wrote this was because I had felt miserable for days without any reason. I was trying to get the feeling out by verbalizing it. When there is no physical experience, how do I describe it?

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Quote: from J U S T at 7:07 pm on Oct. 9, 2009

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Quote: from magsimay at 10:04 pm on Oct. 9, 2009

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Quote: from J U S T at 7:02 pm on Oct. 9, 2009

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No rhythm, no structure, way too melodramatic.

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  Since when do poems have to have rhythm or structure? And what do you mean by melodramatic... can you elaborate a bit so I can actually edit the poem through your advice?

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 You are trying way too hard to evoke this sad, dramatic emotion instead of using the poem as a vehicle for describing your own experience.

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But the experience isn't what is important. The reason I wrote this was because I had felt miserable for days without any reason. I was trying to get the feeling out by verbalizing it. When there is no physical experience, how do I describe it?

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And that wasn't rhetorical! How would you describe the emotion through the event when there was no event?