After thinking about it for a bit, my question is this; are you asking for help or are you stating fact?

Since this is a support forum, I'll assume that's what you're asking for, but if you aren't please don't take offense.

I can't pretend to understand completely what you are going through, but I think I can sympathize with you to some degree (maybe even empathize). I'm a nihilistic hedonist myself, and that's a conclusion I've come to from a few years of what I think were undiagnosed depression.

I used to be unable to to find happiness in anything but my own misery. I didn't express it the way most teens going through that did. I became an introvert who lived inside his own mind and didn't really come in contact with reality much. But that's not really very satisfying. Living in your own world doesn't do much after a while, and I realized my wallowing was running from what I was afraid of. I confronted the existential issues I faced, the fallacies of my political ideologies, and began to overcome the massive social anxiety I faced.

I know this isn't exactly what you're talking about, but I want you to know that there are people who have come through what you're going through. You can make it through and you can be happy.

Hope that helps somewhat.

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