my sophomore year in high school... everything changed... my then boyfriend went to jail.. for attempted murder... but he didn't tell me until 2 months.. after he entered prison. ever since then.. i haven't been the same... i used to be loud, and obnoxious, crazy some would say, but ever since my sophomore year in high school.. Ive been more quiet, I'm afraid of meeting people, and its hard to smile.

after he was released from jail, he mentioned that he wanted to commit suicide, and because i was 3000 miles away, i had no way of stopping him. so every single day he would tell me he was going to commit suicide.. anytime i was busy with something, he would get mad and tell me that he was going to do it.. that he was going to end his life...

this went on for over a month, almost 2, and i couldn't take it anymore, being the fact that it was my fault, i wasn't there, when he went to jail, if he committed suicide.. it would also be my fault, and i couldn't live with that... so i told him, if he dies, i die.

after that he got mad, and didn't message me for a while, he didn't message me for over a day, and being in the state of mind i was... i thought he went through with it, or, he was going to.. so i waited for the call..

after a while, he messaged me, and apologised for getting mad, and we broke up.

it took me over a year to get over that... or.. so i thought

i dated some, but not much, made HUGE mistakes, freaked out... etc..

then i found out, that one of my friends liked me, i had liked him for a while, so we dated...

i was finally happy.. i was still scarred.. but i was truly happy, and it was the best feeling in the world.. i couldn't stop thinking about him, he cared about me, he had so much in common with me, and my ONLY concern, was ruining our friendship.

we had the best relationship for about 6 months, then it happened...

it was 2 weeks since i lost my virginity to him,
he made a stupid mistake...

he got caught tagging a smile face on the bottom of a bridge... and they also charged him with 2 other crimes, that had nothing to do with anything.. because he didn't have them on him..

he was scared.. and i didn't blame him at all for being scared...

then... it was may 13th 2009... he broke up with me, and in telling me this, he said 2 things... one.. was that he was going to commit suicide... and the other was he needed my help at the court.. which i was glad to help, because i loved him...

that day was the day before our final band concert... so i had rehearsal for jazz right after he broke up with me... and i couldn't handle it.. i broke down... i don't cry usually... but i broke down.... i couldn't help it.. i couldn't hold it in... i had never even thought about us breaking up.. then it happened all of a sudden.. and i didn't want to lose him.. especially to suicide...

my prom night... i spent over an hour talking him out of suicide... after he wouldn't talk to me for a few days... i had no idea before that night if he was alive.... then his random text.. so i called him... and talked him out of suicide...

ever since then... Ive cried myself to sleep every night... which is an improvement to before...

not only that.. but the night he told me he was going to commit suicide... i almost did... i was going to commit suicide.. because i couldn't imagine a life without him... i loved him so much, and i still do love him...

I'm afraid because i cant talk to anyone... i don't know what to do.. and i don't know how to get rid of this pain... its been 2 months... so why am i still hurting this much...

please... don't say what i think you are going to... i really need some help... Ive considered suicide 2x now.. and Ive almost gone through with it once... what stopped me was the band concert... but now that I'm out of high school... what do i do?

please help...

Of course something like that isn't easy to forget and i understand that but if you want to be happy and you should feel happy, what needs to be done is move on. Girls tend to go for the boys who are trouble makers, we all think we can change them and thats why we get with them. We are always wrong and end up with our hearts in the gutter. It happened to you once with a boyfriend and its happening again...

your thoughts on suicide seem to be coming from your ex boyfriends thought on it. That isn't right, but believe me us the support leaders here know how hard it is talking someone out of suicide, everyday someone tells us they will need their life and we always have to talk them out of it. Hearing about it all and trying to convince them otherwise often brings up depression in oneself and thought of suicide too.

You need to get out into a new atmosphere, change the world around you to a better one. Make something, do something that will make you smile again. You know I'm like you used to be, crazy, happy always smiley and its things like this that make me scared of relationships...thinking they will change me. What i cant realise is that they don't change you, only you can change yourself. So why not change yourself, you don't feel good...you feel horrible. Change that, only you know what will make you happy.

First of all, at the top of this thread there's help for suicide : Web Resources: Suicide Myths Dispelled, Suicide Information
USA Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) I think it might be a good idea for you and this latest guy to follow these up a bit, it'll honestly do you the world of good.

Does the second guy know about the first guy? Does he know what you went through, how much it hurt you?? Seriously I think it's very selfish of him to drag you through all of this again, especially if he knows about it. Maybe, if he doesn't now and if you tell him about it he might realise just how hurtful he's being.

I think you really need to get out of this situation. You did it before and your life took a huge upward turn, you were happy again! So why not do it again? Walk away? I know that you feel you should be there for him,  but honestly in situations like this you need to put yourself first...when you start contemplating suicide because of someone else, I really think it's time to get far, far away from them.

-------
Me break the rules? No,i test their elasticity.