But the fighting still goes on.

Today, my sister got here at about 4:15am to finally pick up her son.  She works night-shift, not over-night shift.  She should have been here a long time ago.  Well, minutes before she got here, my mom went out looking for her, swearing up and down she probably got pulled over for a DUI or something.

My sister arrives and I call to tell my mom she's here and she tells me to make sure she stays as my mom wants to have a word with her.  Now I'm stuck between a rock and hard place--risk my mom being angry at me for not stopping her, or my sister's wrath for stopping her.  I chose the least painful and kept my sister here.  I didn't assume what kind of condition my sister was in--I didn't know and I didn't have any proof of her being on anything--but a part of me knew she should probably stay anyway.  My mom would be twice as mad with her if she didn't, and I've been with my sister when she's driven tired before, I wasn't too keen on having her drive my nephew.

So my sister is mad at me for keeping her here to face my mom.

Then we get inside, and the rage I saw in my mom was almost as bad as the anger I've seen in my dad before.  My parents aren't physical, but I've never been keen on anyone raising their voice in anger.  And of course my sister bites back just as hard with her own words.

My mom and my sister are just such a wreck together, but they're always forced together one way or another.

Of course my brother is always at my mom's side, and my dad is at my sister's.  Although my dad didn't say anything until after my mom and brother had left for work.  That's when my dad always comes to do damage control, because he is just too tired to handle the fighting directly.  I was just so at the end of my line that I couldn't do anything but open up when he came to check on me.

Meanwhile, my oldest sister is texting me saying dad is our sister's enabler.  He doesn't help the problem, only prolongs it.  And my dad on the other hand is saying that my mom is making matters harder than they should be, because her and my sister have always gotten into it, because they're so much alike.  My mom is doing the same thing to her that my grandma did to my mom.

And they're both right, but the acknowledgement is heart-breaking.

I honestly cannot stand being at home most of the time.  It feels like turmoil and stress when I'm here. I'm weak, and therefore it hurts me tenfold than others in this house--and they all know it too.  They recognize it, and if I'm there I'm one of the first they always check on.  Even my youngest sister is stronger than me, while the other younger sister is blissfully ignorant of what goes on in this house.

I'm not at school, so there is no counselor I can go talk to about this--no third party, because all of my closest friends know my family too well.  Hell I didn't even want to go back to seeing one, but after this incident, I'm almost 100% positive I'll be in to see one as soon as I get back to campus--if I make there, IF my loans pull through.

Why am I so weak-hearted?  Why am I so emotional?  Why can't my family just get a clean-slate, and why can't they stop fighting like they do?

Sometimes even nightmares are better than reality, because at least you can escape from those.

just try to work through things a day at a time

It seems like both your mum and sister are using you to manipulate the other to get what they want. I understand how you feel about them taking sides all the time, and I understand how it really hurts because it's as though they have tunnel vision and nothing you say will change their behaviour and as a result you feel frustrated and begin to hate them.

Added to this, you say your mum and dad fight which I know from experience, isn't pleasant. DON'T ever blame yourself for feeling upset and emotional, because whenever it comes to family breakdown - of whatever kind - it is perfectly acceptable to feel upset and emotional. I think you only describe yourself as 'weak', because everything is getting too much and you feel too emotionally drained from it all. In fact, you're not 'weak' though, because anyone in the same position would feel exactly the same.

Have you tried talking to your family about how they're making you feel? Often it is the case that they are so wrapped up in themselves, they will claim not to realise. I think it's good that you're thinking about talking to a third party to voice your sadness, because all too often people will try and bottle it up, and trust me that never works. If your family won't listen, is there anyone else you can stay with? I don't think it's healthy for anyone to live in that environment, and yet too many of us are exposed to these constant arguments.

Failing that, I would advise that you refuse to speak to them and just say: ''I'm not getting involved''. It must be having an affect on your siblings even though they won't show it (which as I say, isn't a good thing), so try and get closer to them and find out how they're really feeling.

I really do with you the best of luck, because this is a truly awful situation to be in.

Feel free to PM me at any time.
Good luck.