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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

Rate my poem
"Natural"
Replies: 10Last Post June 17 6:39am by Sins and Demons
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Single page for this topic Email Print Favorite
Choice Votes Percent  
1 3 15%
2 1 5%
3 0 0%
4 2 10%
5 1 5%
6 4 20%
7 4 20%
8 1 5%
9 1 5%
10 3 15%
Vote Now! 20 Votes Cast
( Tru7h004 )


Connoisseur
Reply
1 being the worst, 10 being the best

"Natural"

The world is quiet now,
the night slyly seeps through my shutters
and dances playfully in front of my eyes.
The moon glides across the silent roads
and illuminates the subtitles of the grass.
Stars gaze serenely through the night sky's
vast and cosmic architecture.

Dawn creeps slowly in through the songs of birds,
the subtle hum of cars,
the creaking of doors,
the warm scent of flowers,
the welcoming expanse of sunshine.

I melt with the days
and am born anew in the nights.

Seventeen years and I am still mystified
by the natural rotations of the cosmos.
Beauty is forever sustained by its simplicity.


-------
America, I'm throwing my queer shoulder to the wheel.


1:09 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Sep. 2006 | Days Active: 426
Join to learn more about Tru7h004 Georgia, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 1,716 | Points: 6,785
LiveWire Humor
Destrier23


Dairy Product Addict
Reply
i didnt read it
but
I GAVE IT A 10

1:10 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2009 | Days Active: 113
Join to learn more about Destrier23 Texas, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 505 | Points: 1,668
Ralovic

Wealthy Hobo

Ad Free
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Quote: from Destrier23 at 4:10 am on June 17, 2009

i didnt read it  
but
I GAVE IT A 10


nor did i
but, you got a 7. woo.

-------
annie are you okay? so, annie are you okay?
are you okay annie?
you've been hit by, you've been struck by
a smooth criminal.

1:12 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2009 | Days Active: 121
Join to learn more about Ralovic Zimbabwe | Female | Posts: 3,839 | Points: 4,001
jsia


Guru

Patron
Support Leader
Reply
Honest opinion? 4.

This section, which is the majority of it really just ... annoyed me!

the night slyly seeps through my shutters
and dances playfully in front of my eyes.
The moon glides across the silent roads
and illuminates the subtitles of the grass.
Stars gaze serenely through the night sky's

...thud...thud...thud...

-------
Me break the rules? No,i test their elasticity.


1:13 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Aug. 2006 | Days Active: 234
Join to learn more about jsia Australia | Bi-curious Female | Posts: 14,496 | Points: 23,588
( Tru7h004 )


Connoisseur
Reply
Quote: from jsia at 1:13 am on June 17, 2009

Honest opinion? 4.

This section, which is the majority of it really just ... annoyed me!

the night slyly seeps through my shutters  
and dances playfully in front of my eyes.  
The moon glides across the silent roads  
and illuminates the subtitles of the grass.  
Stars gaze serenely through the night sky's

...thud...thud...thud...



Things I could do better?

-------
America, I'm throwing my queer shoulder to the wheel.

1:14 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Sep. 2006 | Days Active: 426
Join to learn more about Tru7h004 Georgia, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 1,716 | Points: 6,785
jsia


Guru

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Oh and if you do a post like this again, I'd supply an option for the point whores and trolls...

-------
Me break the rules? No,i test their elasticity.

1:14 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Aug. 2006 | Days Active: 234
Join to learn more about jsia Australia | Bi-curious Female | Posts: 14,496 | Points: 23,588
( Tru7h004 )


Connoisseur
Reply
Quote: from jsia at 1:14 am on June 17, 2009

Oh and if you do a post like this again, I'd supply an option for the point whores and trolls...

Yeah, I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

-------
America, I'm throwing my queer shoulder to the wheel.

1:15 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Sep. 2006 | Days Active: 426
Join to learn more about Tru7h004 Georgia, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 1,716 | Points: 6,785
jsia


Guru

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Support Leader
Reply
Quote: from Tru7h004 at 6:14 pm on June 17, 2009

Quote: from jsia at 1:13 am on June 17, 2009

Honest opinion? 4.  

 This section, which is the majority of it really just ... annoyed me!  

 the night slyly seeps through my shutters
 and dances playfully in front of my eyes.
 The moon glides across the silent roads
 and illuminates the subtitles of the grass.
 Stars gaze serenely through the night sky's  

 ...thud...thud...thud...



Things I could do better?

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I know all about poetry, I was good at English at school but it's no great love of mine. But I prefer poems that just flow...but everyone likes different things.

-------
Me break the rules? No,i test their elasticity.


1:17 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Aug. 2006 | Days Active: 234
Join to learn more about jsia Australia | Bi-curious Female | Posts: 14,496 | Points: 23,588
ssminow


Professional
Reply
it doesnt really flow. I gave it a 6

-------
Live everyday like it is your last.

1:17 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 57
Join to learn more about ssminow Minnesota, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 1,408 | Points: 2,057
Ralovic

Wealthy Hobo

Ad Free
Reply
okay, now i read it. 5

-------
annie are you okay? so, annie are you okay?
are you okay annie?
you've been hit by, you've been struck by
a smooth criminal.

1:18 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2009 | Days Active: 121
Join to learn more about Ralovic Zimbabwe | Female | Posts: 3,839 | Points: 4,001
Sins and Demons


Connoisseur
Reply
The first part is the best though it could use some rewording to help the flow and imaging. After that everything about the poem besides the topic changes and I can not say it was for the better.

-------
Know your enemies and know yourself,
you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; Sun Tzu

6:39 am on June 17, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2006 | Days Active: 446
Join to learn more about Sins and Demons Connecticut, United States | Posts: 2,144 | Points: 6,771
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