Once I hit teen years, I was about 120 pounds. I was so self-conscious about this, I dieted myself to the weight I am at now. A few moments ago, I weighed myself at the end of the day, shortly after eating a meal, and at 18 years old, I weigh 146 pounds. My waist measures 27" and my hips measure 41" and I stand 5'5" tall.  A fat percentage test tells me I have 25.4% body fat.

None of my attempts at losing weight ever worked. I took a diet pill called NV the summer before last. I did not exercise, but it helped suppress my appetite and while drinking a lot of water, I lost about ten pounds and nearly a dress size. I gained six pounds within a year of stopping my usage of the supplement. I again went on to diet, lost couple pounds, and gained ten.  

I can't be fat. I can't turn out ugly and fat. My family is thin, and we have never had any problems with weight and such in my family. I'm just having such a hard time coming to terms with no longer being the popular hot European immigrant. I want to beat myself up for thinking I was fat at 120 lbs and ruining my body. Now I would give anything to be there again.

I just feel like such a failure. I am the biggest out of all my friends. I am also a size 7 to 9 in pants. Now mostly 9... I want to be attractive again. I hate this body I am trapped in. This neverchanging hideous body. My face is chubby and square, and full of fat. So even if I wanted to be like every other girl, I wouldn't be able to hide behind good angles when taking pictures.

I have not had sex with my boyfriend in over a month. He does not compliment me on my body, or anything in particular. He just tells me either my hair looks good or I look beautiful. Sure that is sweet but when I ask him what makes me beautiful, he says, "Oh I don't know, your eyes.. you.." I was the most desired thing when he first met me. When we started dating.  

And now I am fat. I feel doomed. I can't go anorexic because I love food too much. I can't go bulimic because I can't make myself puke. My throat just hurts for the next few days from stuffing it with my fingers. And I don't even want to go into shit with my boyfriend.

I know nobody will even read this but it kind of makes me feel better to vent. I just never thought I would turn out to look the way I do, to be borderline overweight. I just want to beat myself up. I know image is not everything. But I don't care. I see myself in the mirror every day and I do not like what I see, but it seems like it is impossible to lose any weight. I have tried too many times and too hard.  

I am fucked.

Post edited at 11:46 pm on Jan. 4, 2009 by Anonymous

146lbs at 5"5 is a good weight, you're not fat at all and don't let anyone ever tell you that you are. What made you start being so weight conscious, what was it that was said or done to make you feel so, eager about losing weight all the time. If it's because your family are thin then you really shouldn't be worrying about your weight, just because someone else weighs a bit less than you it doesn't make you fat AT ALL.

Fad diets, diet pills, laxatives, bulimia, anorexia. NONE of this stuff works, it's an instant hit that just makes you put on weight twice as fast when you stop, don't let them take control over your body, you have the strength to stop any of this from happening. This is your life, not your families so live it, don't spend all your time worrying about your weight because if you do now you'll become ill.

There is no such thing as ugly, it's just a word to hurt people, I can honestly say that I believe that everyone is beautiful, nobody is perfect but everyone is beautiful.

Don't feel like a failure at all, you're a normal weight and you should be proud of how you look, not trying to change it. As for your boyfriend, ask him what he thinks about your body, don't expect guys to know what you want them to tell you, boys are useless at these things. However, he is still complimenting you at least. If he doesn't still feel the way he does about you because you don't weigh the same as you did, then he's not worth your time at all, even if you love him, you can't be with someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Just because a site or a doctor tells you that you have so much fat on you blah blah, well, who wants to have sex with bones?! Girls are supposed to have a little on them otherwise it's just, people will be afraid of them. If you want to lose weight do it the proper way.

Exercise.
Eat nothing but healthy food.
Don't obsess over it.
Going for a thirty minute walk everyday will do the world of good.

Hope you feel better about this soon.

But I get jealous when I see a girl or a friend even who gets alot of attention and it is obviously because of her looks. Then I feel fat. And the fact that I was considered attractive back in the day when I was like 20 pounds lighter. I used to be showered with compliments all the time and I was fighting guys off left and right.

I dont know if it's because I'm in a relationship and have been for nearly two years, and then a year right before that, so everyone thinks I'm off limits. But I don't experience much of it anymore. I get complimented still but I feel face-pretty only. And only sometimes. God forbid I don't wear make-up one day..

And it is going to the beach, it is going to a pool, etc.. that really depresses me because I see two friends, girls who are thin as hell and they have guys either crowding around them or talking about how hot they are. And then there is me, overhearing all of it and observing it and feeling fat.

I dont know. Maybe I should get off my birth control.

You need to talk to someone about this, it sounds like your weight issue is getting out of hand, you can't go on doing nothing but thinking about food and who weighs less etc. Life isn't a competition you know? You CAN be your own person if you want to be, it's your choice if you want to be everyone else though. Just because another girl gets attention, is it really always the attention you want. I find a lot of girls who look skinny and 'pretty' are always hassled by perverts. I'm sure that isn't the attention you want right? Also, you have a boyfriend, why do you need the attention?

Sometimes when we get into relationships we actually let ourselves go a little bit without realizing because something in our head figures that we have someone, we must be hot etc so we can stop trying so hard now, but it doesn't worry a lot of people, if it bothers you so much then ask a doctor about diet tips. Also, being called pretty is still a compliment, take it as one, don't think because it's not hot or sexy that it isn't a compliment. I'd rather be called pretty than sexy any day, words like sexy are quite demeaning on women. If you feel make-up is what you need, well it's not doing anything to harm your body, so go for it.

Why do you need guys to be talking about how hot you are? You have really bad self-esteem issues, it's not the birth control, it's you, inside you, something is destroying your self-esteem and giving you bad images, you need to get it sorted and soon. Tell a doctor that you're struggling right now and your self-esteem really, doesn't exist right now, he will have ways to help you.

My boyfriend and I are dieting because we both actually need it. I think it's good we are doing it together because he usually eats alot of fast food and it tempts me & sometimes ruins my diet. I have never let myself go because of a boyfriend. I have always cares about the way I look... but it seems every time I am in a relationship, my self-esteem vanishes. When I'm single, I feel great and not just about the way I look but everything else.

It might be the fact that nobody is seeing me naked, nobody knows what I truly look like underneath my clothes. You know? I know I am not awfully obsessive about it because my best friend is so, so much worse than I am.

I guess it is just awkward being the biggest (noticeably) out of all of my friends. I don't sit there and compare but I feel it. Also, they are stick thin and bitch about being fat. I just tell them to shut the fuck up and look at me. I used to always say that, and people used to tell me they wished they looked like me, that I was the perfect weight. Now I just get the whole "You are not overweight"  thing. Then I think if my friends think they are too big, what would I be then? I would be a hippo.. and then I feel awful =[

Also, sometimes when you have a boyfriend you also don't get as much attention as you would when you were single because we feel the need to flaunt ourselves more when we're single and our confidence grows so guys start to notice us more and more. If being in a relationship is lowering your self esteem then why don't you take a break from them, be single, have fun, you don't need a relationship right now in your life.

Also, comparing yourself to people bigger than you, I know this sounds harsh but no matter how small you make people feel in your head, you are still you, it doesn't change anything, it just makes you a hateful person. Think about what you're doing when you're doing it, don't pick every bad person and pick out their faults to feel better about your own. This is your issue, you need to solve this using your mind on you.

Even if you don't feel like you're comparing, as humans we do naturally compare ourselves to other people, when we see someone skinny or having guys attached to them, we naturally think "well what do they have that I don't" and it's that kind of behaviour that encourages self-esteem issues. If you start to see people as just people it might help. Also, with low self-esteem less guys are bound to notice you, confidence gets guys to notice you and compliment you, confidence is the key to feeling better, even if you aren't truly confident now, pretend you are, imagine you are and as soon as guys start noticing you, you won't have to pretend anymore.

I checked your weight on a doctors chart today as I thought about you while I was there, you are bang on normal weight, this is a GOOD thing.

I am very good at pretending to have confidence. If I am good at anything, that is it right there. And sometimes, I feel great about myself. I feel ontop of the world. Until a thin, beautiful girl walks in the room. It gets so bad that I want to leave.

I think the real problem is not my weight, but the way I look underneath the clothes. I'm not well-toned all over. I used to be proud of my legs, and I used to be proud of my stomach. I can still get a four-pack when I flex my stomach, but it is no longer as well defined as it used to be. And my ass is the size of Mars, but mostly, my hips extend all the way to the other state! Given, I have cellulite. It isn't awful but I have a couple of very noticeable dimples on my hips and thighs. Also, I have never had real knees. This is a scary thought by the way. When I sit down and bend my knees, it looks like I have amputated legs because it's just rounded... instead of the knee showing. When my knees are bent, I have no sign of having bones in my knees at all. My friend has even told me that she's noticed my knees are pretty chubby. A few years ago, somebody even laughed at me for "not having knees".

Anyhow, as for taking a break from my boyfriend... I couldn't do that. I don't want to be with any other man, I want to be with him. Our relationship right now is going better than ever in our two years together. We are doing so great I don't even want to think about a break.

But last night, I did daydream about dressing sexy and going to a nightclub with my girlfriends. But the closest nightclub is six hours away =\ haha. I have no idea why but it sounded like alot of fun. But financially, that will not be a possibility. Ha. Just a daydream.

Well there are ways you can tone yourself up, going to the gym to weight lift instead of working out until you feel ill is not the way to go about this. You don't have to lift heavy weights but even just doing small amounts could help you loads. Sit-ups, Press-ups, things you can do at home to exercise are all things that can tone you up. You don't sound like you need to tone up a lot if you can still get a four-pack. As for your ass being the size of mars, as far as I know, from a lot of guys, they prefer girls with bigger ass's, they don't want bones and skin and your hips, well some people are naturally bigger hips, look at Mischa Barton, she looks amazing and her hips are quite wide, that really isn't the worst thing.

The best thing to do about your knees maybe is to start cycling places, this will tone up your legs a lot and probably get rid of the cellulite you have there. These things can be changed without being so weight conscious, and they can be done pretty quickly, however you probably won't notice a change at first but people around you will start to notice your body is more toned. If your friend said your knees were chubby and that's what she saw when she looked at you then she's shallow and she isn't the type of person that you should be around.

Your friends are who influence you the most, if they only talk about weight and boys then that's all you'll think about. I'm not saying hang around with geeky kids but find some friends who are in the middle, people who aren't weight obsessed, people who are nice and care for you and your feelings. If you like the friends you have then just try to not take what they say personally, these girls criticize themselves in the mirror when they are alone, they will never be happy so they pick out other peoples faults.

I wasn't saying find another boyfriend, I was suggesting that you take a break from relationships in general but if you're going strong then stay together, however if he makes you feel unattractive all the time do you really want to be with him? It's just encouraging you to lose weight and change how you look to impress him. I promise you no matter how much you love someone, if they loved you, they wouldn't want to change a single thing about you.

Daydreams are good, they make you think about things you wouldn't normally think about and give you possibilities and ideas of things you may be able to do. If you can't go to a club with your friends, is there nowhere else you can go out with your girlfriends and dress sexy, have a good time. Even going out on a shopping trip would give you an oppurtunity to pull out your nice clothes and have a fun time.

If you're out having fun your weight might not be on your mind constantly because life is about having fun, it's not a competition as to who's the skinniest or whos clothes look nicer. As long as you feel confident with who you are as a person, people will look beyond your appearance anyway.

I'm not denying that your weight has caused self-confidence issues, however sometimes it feels to me as though certain people have displacement issues, placing too much importance on a certain body part. You cannot place basically every ounce of self confidence and self worth in a certain body part or even your entire body.

Remember that the vast majority of how you look is purely genetic and cannot be changed unless via surgery and even then, has limits. Even if your immediate family is thin, you may have gotten recessive genes no one else did.

As Trashed wisely mention, the people who have the best success in becoming and staying thin are ones who make it a lifestyle change not simply a periodic splurge. Diets simply confuse your metabolism and cause a short-term weight loss that's gained back plus some. You're more likely to succeed if you make some consistent changes to your life and stick to them for the rest of your life, such as taking up an activity/sport, cutting out certain foods or eating better overall. Even something as simple as cutting out soda pop and walking to school/work can make a large difference.

I think you should compliment yourself more and work on showing appreciation and love in your relationship and ask your boyfriend to do the same. Confidence and self-esteem comes from the inside. Most people don't instantly gain confidence even if they do drop the pounds. You have to love yourself and feel love.

-------
Holly.
Mama to Hunter Kai
Still missing you, LML. (1941-2007). ♥
"Nothing is worth more than this day."