Anyways.......I've been dealing with depression for over 3 years and frankly I'm sick of it. I've been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts, put on medication, and diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. The medication that I'm on semi-works because I am starting to have more good spells than bad, but when it is bad, it's suicidal bad and I still have a lot of those bad spells. I know all the tricks and ways of getting out of depression such as being social, focusing on positive things, use coping skills, changing your attitude and negative thinking. I do all of those things. I ask my friends to hang out all the time although half the time they are busy or not there. When I'm depressed I get on my bike and ride until I'm not depressed anymore or I write, but the depression always comes back shortly after I'm done. I see a therapist once sometimes twice a week and that does nothing. I dread waking up every single day and every single day I have to give myself reasons to get out of bed in the morning and live. I use coping skills, I try to change my thinking, but in the end I always wind up still depressed. So what can I do about this? Am I just a lost cause?

So youre depressed, huh? You think that makes you worse than everyone around you? Do you realise how some of the greatest people on earth were depressed? Michaelangelo was the same as you, a manic depressent all his life, and the beauty that flowed from him, is like something from another world. I dont think that depression can entirely be a bad thing, i think if you took it into an approach where you use it to your advantage, you might feel better.

You say you write, use your depression as inspiration to write. Im sure lots of authors have. Wilfred Owen was depressed, as was Rupert Brooke (check out his poem '1914').

Id like to see some of your writings in the short stories and poetry forum.

Post edited at 9:32 am on April 9, 2008 by ElephantStone

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Wouldn't it be cool if 19 million other muthafu*kas grew
up to be just like me?

This is what happens when bad meets evil

I'm glad your medication is seeming to work, and I urge you to follow your doctor's instructions in regards to taking it when and how you are supposed to.  Remember that meds take time to work correctly, but the best thing you can do is stay honest with your doctor and let them know what makes you feel good and what doesn't seem to be working quite as well.

Do you have an action plan for when you are feeling particularly down?  If not, I would suggest devising one for yourself.  It can be something as simple as having a friend who has vowed to always answer their phone if you need someone to talk to, perhaps if you are having a bad day at school, let your teachers know that if you just need to get up and get a drink of water.. most teachers, if you talk to them, will let you do such a thing especially if you are on suicide watches and whatnot.  You could also say to yourself, "before I do anything rash, I am going to write down my feelings and try to understand why I am feeling this way" or something of that sort.  Anything that will help you try to balance your regular feelings with your extreme feelings is what you are aiming to find.  Your plan could even include multiple things... it really all depends on what works for you.  Just because you are still having these bad spells does not mean that you are a weak person, it means that you are a strong person trying to get through your weaknesses and have better control over yourself.  That is a very difficult thing to do.

Just because your friends are busy doesn't mean they don't care about you.  Keep that in mind.  It just means that they have things they need to be doing.  Are you ever busy with some of the same things?  Perhaps being in a music group, joining a club, or something of that sort would lead to you having more things to do and more people to do them with.

You mentioned that after you bike or write that your down time comes back, and that is completely normal.  Remember that you are only human.  You can do a couple things here.  First of all, you can busy yourself with something else, sure it is temporary, but it is a way to keep your mind doing something.  You could also take some time just to think about how you felt when you were doing your activities.  That may be more beneficial to you in the long run because it teaches you that even when you are down in the dumps that you have memories and happy times in your life that you can think about to help raise your emotions a little bit.

Therapists are there to help, but they can only do that if you let them.  By having the mindset that it does "nothing" for you to see them, you are making that a standard that is hard to overcome.  If you honestly do not get much out of your therapist at the moment, though, consider switching who you are seeing.  It is possible that there is some barrier you have emotionally put up that makes is extremely difficult for you to communicate with them in a way that will benefit you.

As for the waking up in the morning, that is completely understandable.  A fun thing I can think to do would be to put some fun things in a hat that you like to do or that you like to think about, just whenever you think of something new, write it on a slip of paper, then when you get up in the morning pick one out.  Make it a point to do that or think about that thing during your day--that way, you have at least one thing to look forward to.

I don't believe in lost causes.
If you want more ideas or someone to just listen, send a message my way.

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"If you stand in front of a mirror holiding a dozen roses, you'll see
thirteen of the most beautiful things."
"Don't have regrets because at one point, you were doing exactly what you
wanted to."