Recently, I saw this girl that I used to talk to (just talk to, nothing serious), that I haven't seen in two years. I'm still having those thoughts, and I still feel as though I'm gay, but since then, I still have the thought of her in my mind. I don't want to do anything with her at all.

There's this boy that I've talked to a few times, him, however. I have thoughts about doing sexual things with him.

I've had all of these fantasies about doing things with guys, I've always thought about guys... but now I've had this thought about this one girl, and its making me confused.

I don't know how to explain it... I'm pretty sure that I'm gay, but now I had this thought about this one girl, and now it just makes me confused.

How should I feel? What should I think?

Most people identify as one specific sexuality, but it's completely normal to drift in the middle and be turned on for both.

Another thing that can happen is when you look up to someone of the same gender as a role model, sexual feeling and thoughts can develop.

You are under no pressure to identify with one specific sexuality, but your writing makes you seem to think you are.  If I thought a guy was cute, it doesn't automatically make me bisexual or gay.

Also, you are a teen (I think) and hormones run wild in teenage years.  Your body is maturing and a lot of weird thoughts and feelings come about.  Just wait it out, you will be more sure about what you like as time goes on.

Feel free to PM me about anything you'd like to ask.

Shaun

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I know exactly what you're talking about. Growing up, I kinda knew in the back of my mind that I was gay. I hadn't really put a name to it until I was about 11, but I knew that boys were cute, and girls weren't. Especially once a lot of my friends started talking about girls, I thought it was weird that I was having those same thoughts, except about a lot of my guy friends. It's a confusing time, to be sure.

But then again, I wasn't without my random crushes on girls. I dated a girl for a month in my Freshman year of high school because I thought she looked cute (but in retrospect it was only because she had reallly short hair, hahahah)

One thing I've noticed about a lot of my gay friends is that they're all pretty well grounded. They have had a lot to deal with during adolescence, and they come out of it with a clearer idea of who they are as individuals, and what they want in life. It comes with having to deal with sexual ambiguity, social stigmas, and how to act in situations.

When you say you think about this girl, what exactly do you mean? An emotional attraction? You say you don't want to do anything with her... but then, there's always those random crushes nobody understands.

I'm actually facing that dilemma right now. There's a harpist in my liberal arts class who is kind of cute. She comes on to me ALL the time, and she's obviously interested. I never know how to act around her, because all the while I think "I'm GAY. I'm GAY." but for a girl, she is NOT bad looking, and she'd totally be down to try something fun, haha.

If you're concerned about this girl fucking up your sexual identity (changing you to "bi" or whatever), don't. From what I can tell this is an isolated incident, and should be treated as such.

I guess the best thing I could say would be to pursue it, if you're down for that kind of thing. If it doesn't work out, at least you know you're definitely into guys.

You can PM me if you want to talk more.

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Please, don't ever. Ever. Let a label define you, or create biases in your head. Just like "straight" people have a biase that they will only ever like the opposite sex, "gay" people often feel like there's something wrong if they start having feelings for something not of the same sex. Sexuality is just a word. And that's all. You will like who you like, and even if you've always liked guys, that doesn't mean you will never fall in love with a girl. I guess it's just an opinion, but I believe that anybody can fall for anybody, no matter if it's a 99% chance, or a .01% chance, just because of what gender they are.

Gender is such a fluid thing. You have tomboys, and effeminate guys, and everything from stereotypical to in between. If you have feelings for this girl, go for it. Ignore whatever is holding you back. I know it's an instinct thing, but you have to try and let go of the need to label yourself. It is indeed an easier way to just slap a label on yourself so that people can somewhat understand who you are, but you have to make the distinction between what you do to help people understand, and what is actually true. Feelings are feelings, no matter who they are for.

But if you do pursue further, I would ask you to please let her know about your sexuality situation. You don't have to tell her you like her, simply that you believe you're gay but there is a girl you're interested in. Maybe ask her what she would think if a gay guy started getting interested in her. But it's not fair to let her think you're into girls, if you find out later on that you're not really as interested in her as you think.

Best of luck, Sam. :]
PM me anytime, my username is Samzkuul.

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Post edited at 11:00 am on April 5, 2008 by wolverineh8ter

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I don't think that there is a defined way that you are suppose to act or feel when you first discover that you are a homosexual. I would imagine that you would be uncomfortable with the feelings and maybe feel a little ashamed at first. You having fantasies about doing things with other people of the same sex seems normal to me. It would be just like a straight person having fantasies about their significant other.

Have you came out to anyone yet? The thought of coming out could be on your subconscious and your worry could be coming out through all of these thoughts.

Will they except me?
Will I be criticized?
Will they understand?

The fact that you saw a girl you are fond of but didn't find her appealing in a sexual way means that you could love her. Just because you love someone, though doesn't mean that you are in love with them. You obviously care about this girl but it seems to be in more of a close friendship way. there is nothing wrong with this.

There is always the possibility that you could be bi-sexual. If you are bi-sexual it would make things all the more confusing.

Am I gay?
Am I straight?

It's the basic undefined question for all bi-sexuals. It really confuses both yourself and your significant other. I reccomend choosing one or the other but hey; it's your life, right?

So I'll break it down for you one last time.

I am currently taking psychology and we have just had a class on sexual orientations. There is no way to actually determine who is gay, bi, or even straight for that matter because of the way people love, lust, and like others.

I would just date who ever you feel like you have a connection or bond with. If you like the person and could see yourself with them, then go for it. It should not really matter what sex they are or what sex you are. You are free to love anyone that you want.

Be with who you want, for what ever reasons you feel are right. Good luck. And just be happy.

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Thanks everyone for the points. I love you all.