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A lot of what you say makes sense. I am more attracted to people that I wished I looked like, then people of my type. I don't really get much into the media, though. I don't ever look up to guys or wish I was someone who's famous. Most of the people I envy are your normal everyday people that may be at the park or hanging out at the mall. I had my confidence took away from me in high school. I know that takes part in it.

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Whether or not you look to media or idolize them... media seems to be what represents the ideal in many people's eyes.  Not in your eyes, but what you think is ideal in the eyes of others... does this make sense?  So while you may not be envious of those that are shown publically, you also recognize the fact that these people are chosen because they seem to be what's 'desired', does that make sense?  Then agian, it's quite possible that you're completely uninfluenced by media.  Whichever...

So... something back in highschool... time to live in the present.  Stop taking step backwards and take your steps moving forwards.  The past is the past, and even in the future I'm sure you'll get one or two negative comments.  I don't know what happened in your past, nor is it my place to ask... but look at your present.  All those around you have been saying compliments to your appearance.  Even those on LW have been saying such (and you know how brutally honest these people can be, you've been here longer than I have).

Accepting yourself is a completely different story however, and sadly, one that we can't easily achieve.  We will ~always~ see flaws in ourselves, but that's what makes us human.  No one has the perfect apperaance... especially when it comes to criticizing themself... and likewise, no one has the perfect personality.  It's the fact that these flaws (if noticeable to others) are over looked by the one's that truly matter in our lives.  That's how I view it any way... I mean, random jackass is going to give me a negative comment... why would I hold HIS opinion more important than my own friends and family?  Why take a jackass's comment to heart, and push aside ALL the other comments I've received from the people that count and actually KNOW me... I dunno, just a thought.

Give yourself time... I'm sure you know the truth, you just can't believe it some times.  Depression, lack of self confidence, and other emotional moments (maybe from our past or from the present) can really take a toll on you.  You know the truth, it's a matter of understanding it.  How you can do that... I dunno, I'll be honest.  As stupid as it sounds, maybe you would benefit from taking a GOOD look at yourself in the mirror and pointing out the good... your skin color?  There's probably beauty in that that you don't even recognize... it might be something that ~others~ are envious of, don't you think...?

Give it time... you'll always have those days that you feel like you fall so short in this area... but there are other days where you'll feel that you are above average, and maybe days that you feel you are, just average.  But at the end of the day... you just have to be proud of what you have... I dunno if you have a problem with loving yourself or not (I know I sure do, as do many others), but as you come to love/accept yourself more, you may find that days like this happen much less often :).

Besides that, beauty is really a cultural thing and since we've grown up in this society that says that white is the "all American/good-looking" look it's easy to think that. You've said stuff before about your confidence issues because of asshats in a high school assembly and I think you might be taking what your friends say a bit too seriously. Young guys are usually really sarcastic and insult their friends a lot to socialize, which tends to sting quite a bit but usually by accident.

If these are people you don't even know, kindly tell them to shove it.   Well, that's not very diplomatic, so it's probably best to forget about it. Remember the compliments instead. Do you even take it seriously when people compliment you, or is that when you assume they're just being nice? People with depression have a tenancy to focus in on the bad and subconsciously repel all praise of themselves. They don't believe it so they ignore it, and so their experience tends to be "I know I'm ugly so people say I'm ugly." I bet you get a hear a lot more compliments than insults, but it's the ones that hurt that you listen to. It's kinda like those ugly broads you know who think they're a 10 because they want to. It's like that reversed.

That's my theory on it anyway... take care man, and you really are a good looking cat. I hope you get passed this illusion.

PS- Check this out and consider seeing a counselor if you fit the criteria. They really freaking help.

PPS- Ever consider that you're attracted to a certain type of people because they don't look like you, and not the other way around? How you perceive the people around you is a reflection of how you perceive yourself.

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