Finding the source of your depression is sometimes one of the most difficult things to do, yet it is a necessity in order to get better. Making small things better one at a time will in turn create a much better atmosphere for you to be living. For example, if you have a bad day because you woke up tired, try to get more sleep the next night and see if you can't get off to a better start. Often times people group their entire days feelings into blocks because of one or two things, and learning to fix those things as well as separate them from the rest of the day is extremely important.
From what you have posted here, it sounds as though you are almost putting up this mental block telling yourself that you will not ever be happy. Getting rid of that block will be a huge help for you. If you are having troubles finding the sources of your problems, try doing things that will make those problems less of your day and things that will help make your day better. Things as little as listening to your favorite song on the way to school can put a smile on your face before you even have to think about something else.
You said that "no matter what happens in [your] life...", but you need to realize that only YOU can make a real difference in your life and how you feel. You will only feel better if you want to feel better and put the effort into it. Sure, there are a bunch of resources you can use, but you have to want to use them (and to me, it sounds like you want to. After all, LiveWire is a resource.) It is a matter of putting things into use once you learn about them as well.
Crying is acceptable. It's a form of emotion, so cry if you need to cry! If you have asked your mother for help (and it sounds like you have but she has slightly blown you off... if I understood correctly?) then go and get some help on your own. She can not say that she did not know you were having problems and feeling down. You don't have to worry about the common scare of your parents finding out that you feel depressed. You can go to a school counselor, teacher, a friend's parent, even the police, and they will either be able to help you or point you in the direction of someone who can.
Thinking of suicide is reason enough to get help, even if you do not have intentions of actually following through with your thoughts.
You say you are lost, and to be honest most people are. If we knew everything about ourselves, there wouldn't be much of a point to growing older. Talking to yourself can be good, but sometimes can only take you so far. If that is something you are accustom to doing, try keeping a diary to see if there are any correlations between dates/foods/classes, etc. that coincide with certain feelings you may be having. And also, getting help or even continuing to talk to someone on LiveWire could help you maybe discover things about yourself just by having someone to rebound feelings off of.
I personally am not incredibly religious, so I can't really say much about the last part of your post.. but sometimes it's better to leave higher powers out of things and try to make your life better for yourself. After all, there are millions of people in the world to look after. We are here to be people, to grow as people, and to help other people. So I'm not saying you should lose your faith, quite the contrary, don't stop believing in something just because you can't see the direct light right now. Who knows.. maybe in a few years you will be happy and able to help someone through a hard time of their own--and from what I've been through, helping people is half of what makes things so worth it anymore.
If you wanna chat, send me a message.
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"If you stand in front of a mirror holiding a dozen roses, you'll see
thirteen of the most beautiful things."
"Don't have regrets because at one point, you were doing exactly what you
wanted to."
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