Before I start sounding like a rambling fool, I want to tell you in a way I can understand where you are coming from. You are loosing a father figure and that is hard to deal with and you are looking for someone to care for you emotionally and physically like he did.  Now how you are with this guy is just strictly out of passion. I am sure you have already heard the stereotypes that you are a home wrecker and a horrible person but the fact of the matter is you are not and no situation just has two sides.

I can already tell that you do not want to split up Cathy and David but your intentions are there. I would say you are just looking to full-fill you own personal happiness and anyone would do that if they thought it would make them happier in the end.  There is a big problem though no matter what your intentions are it will not end on good terms for all involved because someone Will get hurt.  I do not think it is the right thing to be doing and who knows you could be the one to end up getting hurt.

So keep that in mind  because if you stay with David it is going to have consequences for the both of you. For him he is going to loose his relationship with Cathy and for you it is going to cause you too loose your friendship with Cathy. Sit there and look at this way Cathy has always been there for you and can always if you will let her. David on the other hand from what I do know has not always been there for you.

Also I want you to look at what this is doing to you.  You are happy when you around David but as soon as you are alone the guilt eats at you and eats at you until you harm yourself and that is not good and you keep  going back to him despite all of that. I personally do not think you should be with on such an emotional level.

Not to sound mean or cruel but I honestly do not see any way you are going to come out of this happier and a better person. One if you stay with him you will only continue to harm yourself and you may loose a friend. Two if you and Cathy remain friends you will not be as close as you once was. I honestly think you can do better and you will.

In the end though I can not tell you what to do because Iam not you and it is your decision. Keep this in mind though if he cheated on Cathy with you who is to say he would not do the same thing to you and right now that is something you do not need because you already have a lot to deal with and do not need to add that to your plate.

Be upfront and tell David look I have had enough of this and it is morally wrong and the guilt is tearing me apart. Now do not let him try to convince you that he will leave Cathy and everything will be ok because it won't and you know that. With that being said make sure when you tell him this you hold your ground and do not leave him any room to reel you back in. Be firm and put your foot down and most importantly mean everything you say.

I can not tell you the consequences it will cause with him but at least you will be able to look at his family and begin to go back to the way things used to be before all of this happened.

Let me go ahead and tell you that there are other ways of dealing with this than harming yourself because all self  harm does is temporally remove mental and emotional pain but leaves you with scars that is with you forever. Try writing or even taking some more counseling both of this will help you to get through this in a healthy way.

I know that writing helps because when things begin to bother me I will write poetry or I talk to a trusted friend and I suggest that you do the same it really does help.

Only you can decide what to do though and I hope this advice helps you and if you need someone to talk too my in box is always open. If you decide to talk to me everything we talk about will be confidential.

~Cadet Jones~

Posted at 10:56 am on Nov. 7, 2009

Alright, after reading this one through several times, I at least know for a fact that this isn't just a question of "stop or continue" or "right or wrong".  Reading all that, it would be unfair of me to sit here and say "well what you're doing is wrong so you should just stop".  At the same time, I can't condone what you're doing.

Before I start sounding like a politician, I want to say this.  I can understand in a sense where this is coming from.  You are losing a father figure in your life, your presently without someone to care for you physically and emotionally on that level, you're somewhat used to being with someone in that age range, and most importantly, you're acting this way out of passion.  Any bystander to this situation could sit around and tell you that you're a homewrecker or a bad person, but the truth is that it's never black and white like that.  Human nature is such that there are never just two sides to every coin.

Your intentions are there.  It's not as if you're attempting to split up a happy couple in an act of vengeance or something.  You're working towards personal happiness in life, with someone else...and in another context...no one would even blink at that.  Here's the problem: Regardless of your intentions, or your motives...I still can't convince myself that the result of this is going to be good for anyone involved, and thus I can't morally say that I think this is the right thing to be doing.

Think about it.  What happens if you stay with David?  If you continue going about with him as you are?  For him, this is ultimately going to end his relationship with Cathy or you.  Cheating never lasts forever, something has to give.  Whether he decides to leave Cathy or leave you...someone is going to end up hurt, probably both.  On your end, your risking a support system that you've had in place for years and years.  You're risking fracturing a relationship you've had with both Cathy and her son.  You said yourself that this kind of love and care isn't something you can't afford to lose right now.

Most importantly, look at what this has done to yourself?  Yes, you're happier when you're with him like that.  But it's like a drug in a sense.  I think you recognize deep down that this isn't something you should be doing.  You're cutting yourself, and ridden with guilt and fear over it.  Yet you keep going back to it despite all that.  

Look at this for what it is.  Look at your future with this.  Where are you really expecting things to go.  I'm not trying to be mean...but I don't understand how you can come out of this a happier, better person.  The things that are tying you to the relationship are related to your own personal desires, rather than your best interests or the best interests of others.  That's usually a somewhat destructive path to go down.

I can tell you what I would do if I were you, but the problem is that I'm obviously not.  I can't understand in exact detail what you're feeling about this, or what you truly want.  It's up to you to decide what you want to do here.  Personally, I would draw the line.  

I know it's easy to start thinking that once you've had that kind of relationship with someone you can never go back to normal.  In a sense, the relationship may always be a bit different.  However I don't think that means it has to ruin everything.  Tell David that you've had enough.  That this is morally wrong, and that the guilt is tearing you apart.  Put your foot down...you have to mean it.  I don't know what consequence that will have with him, but at least you will be able to look his family in the eye again and have the knowledge that you had the will power to end that.  

More importantly, know that there are other ways to go about dealing with this than hurting yourself.  I understand the urge to when everything is piling up on top of you.  I've been there and given into that.  But look back on it.  Where is it getting you?  It's not solving the problem.  It feels good because it's a hell of a lot easier than confronting the real problem...but in the end it's just making it all harder.  Don't treat yourself that way.  You deserve better than that.

Like I said, only you can really know what you can do here, and it's up to you to decide.  I'm just thinking that from the looks of things, this is one of those things in life that is going to end up being more destructive than good.  Don't let that spiral downhill even further before getting a handle on it.

If you have more to add to this, or if you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me anytime.  It would of course be completely confidential.

Take care.

-Isobel

Posted at 9:00 am on Nov. 4, 2009

I can't tell you who you are. Nobody can tell you who you are so if this is what you're looking for then you are out of luck. The only person who knows who are is you. You might not be sure of yourself right now but when the time is right you'll find yourself. Experiences like these help us grow and teach us life lessons, ultimately they help us become the person we truly are. Honestly, even if I could tell you who you were I wouldn't. Life comes with questions and one all people have to someday answer is: who am I? We all need to figure it out for ourselves because in reality if I were to try to tell you I'd be guessing and more than likely you wouldn't be happy with the answer.

One thing from your e-Help that really caught my attention was the part where you said:

---

Obviously I know its stupid and no man would ever do that...

---

In my opinion, what you're doing is wrong. You should never be a home wrecker and that is exactly what you're doing. Cathy has been there for you and treated you like her own, is this really how you want to repay her? If you were her and found out this was going on how would you feel? I know I would feel betrayed, hurt and mostly shocked. As far as I'm aware she trusts you. You've broken that trust and by continuing this any further you're just going to ruin this relationship with Cathy altogether. If she really means as much as she she seems to to you then ending this before it goes any further won't be difficult. We all get lonely and we all want someone at some point but is this really the way you want to cure the loneliness? Do you want to take away someone else's happiness just for yourself? Are you really that selfish?

Of course every person has their own morals so what I see as wrong you may not. You wanted honesty though and that was my honest opinion.

I also think you need to confess to Cathy what has gone on. If you plan to keep this relationship with her it's best to be honest and explain to her. I don't know how she'll react but you can't end things with him and just think things will go back to how they were before, they won't. It's obvious that you do have a conscience and this will eat away at you. The longer you keep this from her the more damage you are doing.

Why would you think he's your only chance to a future? With or without him you're going to go on. You will have a different future but it's a future nonetheless. Let me ask you this: Would you rather have your relationship with Cathy or your relationship with David? Cathy had been there for you for a long time, David has just taken his place in your life. She's proven she's solid and is sticking with you, has he? Who can you see yourself giving up?

Why would you want something with so many complications? You're saying you'll give up everyone for this one person.. that's ridiculous. If you were truly meant to be with someone then you wouldn't have to give up the people who mean a lot to you. You're right, it just happened, which means it can just end. Just because your father has cancer does not mean you need to replace him. Do you realize how hurt your father would be to even know you're thinking that? You don't need him as a lover. You want him as a lover. You're afraid of being alone and afraid of what the future may hold. You're grabbing onto the first thing that's in front of you when in reality it really seems like a shit choice to me. David is cheating on Cathy with you, do you think he won't just turn around and do the same to you? If you choose him over everyone else you are risking so much. The pain that could come from that decision is much worse than the pain of letting him go.

If you know a "good" person would never behave like this then why do you continue to do so? It's as if your words mean nothing and your morals are just there for nothing. You're hurting yourself over this man in reality, not just over guilt. He is what is giving you the guilt and until you own up to your actions the guilt is still going to be there. Cutting isn't going to make that go away. Cutting isn't going to change what you've done nor will it make you feel better about yourself. All it does is leave you with another problem that you will have to work on.

You don't want anything from him but you just want him some times.. No, you just want someone. This isn't the way to go about having someone. You can find a person who truly cares about you and be happy with them. When you find that there will be no misery like this. Do you honestly believe you can go on like this? If you knew this would all be okay you wouldn't be writing this eHelp, would you?

You have to make a decision. Take into consideration your morals, your feelings, the feelings of everyone around you, reality and what could come from the choices you have lying in front of you. I believe you will make the choice that is right for you. Good luck.

Posted at 8:03 am on Nov. 4, 2009